Computer Glossary 2009

(Cartoon of a secretary at her computer)

Alpha: Software undergoes Alpha testing as a first step in getting user feedback.
Alpha is Latin for "doesn't work."
Beta: Software undergoes Beta testing shortly before it's released.
Beta is Latin for "still doesn't work." It is worth noting that "Release 1.0" can also be translated as "still doesn't work but rent was due".
Computer: Instrument of torture
The first computer was invented by Roger "Duffy" Billingsly, a British scientist.
In a plot to overthrow Adolph Hitler, Duffy disguised himself as a German ally and offered his invention as a gift to the surly dictator. The plot worked.
On April 8, 1945, Adolph became so enraged at the "Incompatible File Format" error message that he shot himself.
The war ended soon after Hitler's death, and Duffy began working for IBM!
CPU or Central Propulsion Unit.: The CPU is the computer's engine. It consists of a hard drive, an interface card and a tiny spinning wheel that's powered by a running rodent - a gerbil if the machine is an old machine.
A ferret if it's more recent and a ferret on speed if it's a "performance model".
Default Directory: A Black hole. The Default directory is where all files that you need disappear to.
The default directory exists in part to ensure you lose some important files when you (or a virus) reformat your hard drive.
Error message: Terse, baffling remark used by programmers to place blame on users for the program's shortcomings.
File: A document that has been saved with an unidentifiable name.
It helps to think of a file as something stored in a file cabinet - except when you try to remove the file, the cabinet gives you an electric shock and tells you the file format is unknown.
Gig: A term for the size of memory installed, created by Geeks!
Geeks, not to be confused with Greeks, are sad people who dream up names for memory capacities; Bites, killer bites, (not to be messed with!) , mega bites, gigs and terror gigs; all very scary stuff
Hardware: Collective term for any computer-related object that can be kicked or battered, often without breaking.
Help: What we all need. Actually, it is the feature that assists in generating more questions.
When the help feature is used correctly, users are able to navigate through a series of Help screens and end up where they started from without learning anything... but now it's their fault and they should buy more RAM.
Input/Output: Information is input from the keyboard as intelligible data and then is output to the printer as unrecognizable junk.
Interim Release: A programmer's feeble attempt at repentance.
Memory: Of all computer components, the most generous in terms of variety, and the skimpiest in terms of quantity.
Mouse: Furry rodent that chews through your cable spaghetti that you’ve hidden behind your desk!
Mouse/Optical or Cordless: Handheld device upon which most users are reliant, which never goes where you want it to and frequently needs banging on the desk in an attempt to get power out of dead batteries!
Mouse Mat: Pad often covered in unwanted advertising or jokes only the user understands, designed for the collection of coffee mug rings!
Network: In theory a wonderful system that allows all the computers in your office/company to talk to one another and to devices such as printers (see Printer), fax machines and databases.
However, networks are actually a government employment scheme for “Geeks!” (see Gig above).
Outlook: Program designed to install a false sense of confidence in Office Managers.
Designed to handle email, to loose appointments and flash up incongruous warnings on other peoples calendars!
Printer: A joke in poor taste. A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light.
Programmers: Computer avengers. Once members of that group of school nerds who wore tape on their glasses, played Dungeons and Dragons, and memorized Star Trek episodes; now millionaires who create "user-friendly" software to get revenge on everyone who gave them a hard time.
Qwerty: This is a secret language only known to those who can use more than 3 fingers when typing.
Reference Manual: Object that raises the monitor to eye level. Also used to compensate for that short table leg.
Scheduled Release Date: A carefully calculated date determined by estimating the actual shipping date and subtracting six months from it.
Transfer Rate: The speed at which your computer causes cash to disappear from your bank account on parts your PC enthusiast friends insist you need to make the machine work harder/faster etc.
Terminal Transfer Rate: The huge cost of replacing your PC after all the cash you spent upgrading hasn’t resolved your problem.
Terminal: A computer that’s only fit for the spares bin!
User-Friendly: Of or pertaining to any feature, device or concept that makes perfect sense to a programmer.
Users: Collective term for those who stare vacantly at a monitor.
Users are divided into three types: novice, intermediate and expert.
* Novice Users - People who are afraid that simply pressing a key might break their computer.
* Intermediate Users - People who don't know how to fix their computer after they've just pressed a key that broke it.
* Expert Users - People who break other people's computers.
VDU: Nasty disease caught by online game players who link up with other online game players!
Windows: Glass apertures in the wall that look out on the real world!!
X: Little cross in a window which kids you into thinking that if you click on it the current screen will close. 20 rapid clicks later and lots of swearing, you have to hit the reset button anyway.
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Computer Glossary 2009

Created by Blindo